Saudis under the Mask

Amidst the quiet darkness, I am aware that all I have got left to do is to believe … “Mom, what does it mean to believe?”, I still remember my eight-year-old self contemplating emotions before going to bed; emotions that I have never experienced until years after. My mother tucked me in bed and curled her pursed lips to form half a smile, “to believe is to have faith, honey. Now goodnight, you can ask all you want in the morning, but it is time to go to bed now.” Being the stubborn kid that I was, I pulled my blanket away and sat upright as I looked at her, “I want to know now. If you don’t answer my question, I won’t sleep. I promise you, mom, it’s only one question, and I only want one short answer.” Giving up to my request, she laid next to me and finally began to answer my question. “No short answer will ever carry the great and true meaning of what it is to believe. To believe, is to wake up every morning knowing that today is going to be better. To believe, is to choose th...

في كلّ مرة أقرأ فيها خبر وفاة أحدهم أفكّر كم هوَ مرعب أن يموتَ إنسان كان حاضراً و أن يبدأ في التلاشي كأنهُ لم يكن يوما، وأن يأخذه الصمت من بعد ما كان صوته مليئاً بالحياة حيث لن يُذكر في هذه الحياة.. أليس محزناً أن نفقِد الشعور بالحياة وأن تختفي الأحاسيس والأوجه والأصوات وأن نغادر الحياة ونسقط من ذاكرة العالم تدريجيًا وينسانا الجميع؟

Tick, tock, tick, tock, an imprisoned scream erupts within me, scraping my throat like sandpaper. I, running amid the emptiness waiting for your molten lava of tears to shower on me. Tick, tock, tick, tock, the boundaries between us drift apart, and I run, and run, and run. I am running out of air. I fall, into the abyss of oblivion. I fall, breathless and out of time.

Breathless as in the way I first felt when our eyes met for the first time you walked in the room. Breathless as in the way I felt when you first told me you loved me and I stayed up that night counting what I can remember from the stars in your eyes. Breathless as in the way I felt when you hurt me for the first time and it felt like everything I've ever loved has walked out on me. Breathless as in the way I felt when you made the galaxies collide just to see me smile after a stupid little fight.

Breathing. The air inhaled and exhaled during ventilation, an act vital to intake oxygen and to survive, an inspiration. In other words, you. I don't seem to know where to place you.. Are you my oxygen? My air and my inspiration? Or the reason I'm suffocating? These thoughts of you are suffocating me I see you everywhere, in everything I own You drive me crazy and the scariest part is the unknown What I do know Is having you in my life is overwhelming, My words are not mine anymore. everything, is yours for the taking. Breathless when with you and breathless when I'm not Just tell me darling, what do I do with all this love?

They told me to believe in happy endings. They told me to believe that things will get better. They told me to believe that I can be happy again. But I can't. You left me in a place of rage and confusion. You left me stranded and alone. You left me. How could I ever believe in a happy ending for me, when there is no happy without you? How can I believe that my life can get better when you ARE my life? How could you? How could you leave me like this? How could you leave me without saying goodbye? Was I not enough for you? Did I not deserve a goodbye? My life won't ever get better. I won't ever be happy again. Not without you. You're gone. You're never coming back. Does anyone get that on any level? They say time heals all wounds, But it cannot bring people back from the dead. I don't think I believe in anything anymore, I don't believe it could get better for me. I don't believe that I will ever be happy, Then again, I never reall...

The two of us were made for each other, literally. We're broken pieces of the past united by will and acceptance. We didn't need anyone else to help bring us as a whole we only needed to look for the pieces we've lost in each other. We were young and innocent with hearts of pure see-through glass. We'd roll on the fresh green grass and watch the stars on our favorite hill at night, the one that had the tree we used to climb when we were younger. We'd spend all day traveling by car from a place to another. And at just those moments everything seemed perfect. We were crossing cities by car in a rough weather and my hands left the wheel for a moment to light a cigarette, it's funny how she always said it'll leave me breathless but I just keep smiling. We drove for what seemed like hours until we reached a narrow bridge cutting the sea in half. I accidentally zoned out then came back again and my eyes went to check on her almost involuntarily. A sort of fear mad...

She has never felt breathless until she saw his eyes. For the first time, she lost her breath and felt that her oxygen has gone the moment her eyes have met with that person’s eyes. She has always thought that the feeling of breathless is linked within mental and physical diseases, such as fear, nervousness, sadness and damage in the lungs as a result of smoking. “These are all lies,” she commented. “The way his eyes was looking at me is the real definition of breathless, and there is no real meaning than this.” We might disagree with her, but the reality is that everyone has his own way to define things, and this can be only based on the situations that we’ve been through. To conclude, that girl who has different sight regarding the word breathless has learned the day she met with the person she loves that we all should save our breath for those who make us breathless.

Words are all around, but who give them their real meanings are people who have an impact on your life. A 10 years old boy, who’s in his first year of school was asked to define the word “Believe” in a full sentence. He has never heard about such word, and that’s why he took one minute long to find what does this word really mean? Then, an image of a person he knows really well has crossed his mind while he was thinking of the best way to define the word “Believe”. He asked himself; “Why did my dad’s picture cross my mind while I’m sitting here in the middle of the class, surrounded by those boys who are looking at me, waiting for me to find a good answer for the word “Believe”. “What is the relationship between my dad and the word “Believe”?. Suddenly, he realized that words in life are usually come in the form of people.. And he quickly answered to his teacher’s question as following: “Believe means, when your daddy closes his eyes and you hold his hands, guiding him to some...

“Have you ever met someone that took your breath away? Made you feel so breathless?” he asked. I laughed and said,“What do you mean?” “I have. The warmth in her eyes when she looks at me, the smile she gives for me, the way her nose scrunches up when she sees something she hates, the way she looks at stars as if they are magical.” he looked at me with so much love in his eyes. “I have, and it's you.”

يُقال أن المشاعر كلما زاد صدقها، صعُب التحدث عنها، وأؤمن بأن هذا تمامًا هو ما يحدث لي كلما حاولت الحديث عنك، فلا أظن أن مجرد كلمات بسيطة، مكوّنة من عدة أحرفٍ كفيلة بوصفك، أشعر كثيرًا من الأحيان وأنني مقيدة بأغلال شبه مستحيلة الفك… مازلت أتذكر ذلك اليوم الذي أخبرتني فيه بأن أؤمن بقدراتي، حتى وإن لم أتعرف عليها بعد… أخبرتني أن أشجع نفسي، وأحفزها، وكأنني شخصٌ آخر يحاول التحدث معي… كان كلامك ساذجًا بالنسبة لي، لم أكترث. ولكني اليوم بعدما أدركت قيمتك التي سُلِبت مني، أدركت معنى كل حرفٍ قلته لي، وأشكرك على كل شيء، على صبرك عليّ، وعلى تحملك لي، وعلى نصائحك… فأنا الآن أؤمن بنفسي أكثر من أي يومٍ مضى… سأظل أذكر فضلك عليّ، سأظل أدعو أن يجمعني الله بك في الجنة، وأن يتغمدك بالرحمة، وأن يصبر قلبي على فرقاك.

I’m out of words don’t leave me there gasping for air asking why do our troubled souls intertwine? Is it because of your slight touch inside my soul... Or is it your reflection on me? I still feel breathless. What if our souls find peace? will we intertwine? We were fragile like an autumn breeze because of our emptiness. But what if we are heavier? What if we are the leaves that don’t fall down now. Will we intertwine cause I suddenly feel full of fresh air.

Run. It's coming. That little voice inside my head was screaming at me. RUN! I started running, where to, I'm not sure. I just knew I had to run. My feet gently pattered against the smooth, cold, ground. I was going faster and faster, letting the wind cool my hot face. The concrete was slightly stinging the bottoms my feet but I knew I couldn't stop. I was getting tired and slowly out of breath. The air around me was getting thicker and thicker. My windpipe was tightening up and I was slowly but surely suffocating. Breathe. Just breathe. Slow down and take deep breaths, But I couldn't stop. The voice inside my head kept yelling at me to RUN! My heart is palpating, beads of sweat were forming at my temples. I was in the middle of a road, it was dark. I was running. Behind me I could hear loud thuds, like footsteps that belong to a huge creature. A small growl erupted behind me. RUN! Faster I ran, faster, faster, FASTER! I can't breathe. I CAN'T...